I met my cooperating teacher for student teaching this morning- friends, this is the evidence of my Saviors love for even the little details of my life: I’m in an inclusion class (for those who don’t speak education, I have 4 special ed students) and many other sweet kiddos with multiple educational and social needs in my room. I was able to see their pictures this morning and even meet one little sweetheart. This is my love- special ed. My dream job at this point would be a pre-k special ed classroom, or a kindergarten inclusion room. Well, what do you know…here I am in kindergarten inclusion. Just the fact that the Lord so ordained this placement brings me to tears in awe and wonder. This week has been such a battle for me. I’ve been fighting to truly experience and relish in the Lord’s LOVE. I can focus on grace…I can focus on redemption…I can focus on the countless other gifts he gives, but sometimes trying to understand that He LOVES me is so difficult. I can get in this rut of counting up the things I need to ‘do’ in order for Him to love me. That’s what we do, right? In human relationships we make our lists of things to do in order to get people to like us or things that they need to do in order for us to like them. Not so with God. He delights in us…not because in anything that we have done, but because He sees His Son when he looks at us. He deeply, jealously and zealously loves, loves, loves me. Mmm. I think we need to soak in that reality sometimes. He came because He loved us, EVEN IN OUR SIN. We had nothing deserving in us, yet He still died and rose again to conquer death forever…for us. FOR US. Praise God. The love of my Savior is so deep. This morning was such a tangible reminder of that. Rejoicing in His goodness today…

However, there is also a bit of anxiety that comes along with this wonderful gift called student teaching. It is going to be a large amount of work with TPAC piled on top. It also leads me into a new season of life. In 102 days, I graduate. Graduate? It’s becoming a reality faster than I think. I’ve spent a chunk of time working on my resume today and investigating more job opportunities. People are always telling me to be ready, to go to this or that workshop or career fair, that there are no teaching jobs…I hear it all. At times, it sends my anxious heart into a tailspin. All sorts of questions come and hit me straight in the face and the doubts start to come in. I can begin to doubt God’s goodness. I can doubt that He actually knows what He’s doing. I can question whether He is really in control or not.

I’m currently in a Beth Moore Bible study through my church called “Breaking Free.” In it, Beth challenges us to examine the strongholds that are placing us in captivity. The definition that we have learned for captivity is- ‘anything that hinders the abundance and effective Spirit-filled life God has planned.’ Anything. That includes fear, anxiety, worry…it’s a stronghold. And it needs to be broken. The reality is, God IS good. He DOES know what He is doing. He IS in control. Have you ever sung the song, “I’ve got peace like a river?” I grew up singing this old Sunday School tune but never really understood the concept of peace like a river until this week’s study. Think about it- a river is constantly moving. It’s not still and peaceful-its active! Peace can still be present when life twists, turns and throws various trials our way. Beth puts it like this- “To have peace like a river is to have security and tranquility of heart and mind while meeting many bumps and unexpected turns on life’s journey through change.”

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will do this.” -Isaiah 9:6-7

“For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”says the LORD, who has compassion on you.’ -Isaiah 54:10

“Peace I leave with you; MY peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” -John 14:27

Tonight I am thankful for His peace…the peace that passes all understanding, the peace that is not of this world, the peace that will never run out.

I’m reading Tim Keller’s new marriage book. Am I married? Nope. Engaged? Negative? Dating? No. Close to dating? That would be a no. So your question to me may be, “Amy…WHY are you reading a marriage book when your answer is no to all of those questions?” Well, it could be that a) I’m crazy…(which as those who are close to me could attest to be true)…or b) that I genuinely desire to redeem this time in my life that I have been given as a gift. Being a single person is a treasure, whether I’d like to admit it at times or not. It is my responsibility to use this sweet time in my life to grow in my relationship with Christ and to glorify Him. I want to learn things that I can now…not because I think that by doing that I’ll have it all together if and when the Lord brings someone into my life. I just want to be a life-long learner and this is a part of that. As I’ve been reading the first few chapters of this book, I came across a quote that I wanted to share a quote that applies to all- married or not.

“The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.” -Keller (Meaning of Marriage p.48)

I’m somewhat overwhelmed by all of the truth packed into this simple paragraph. I don’t know about you but I want to speak that saving love into people’s lives. I don’t want to just give love without truth…or truth without love, nor do I want to be the recipient of such. We so desperately need to be reminded of the truth of who we were without Christ and the truth of who we now are because of him. In my Philosophy of Ed class, I’ve been learning so much about humanity. In our sin, we are not fully human. Being human means being what God intended us to be. Whole. Complete in Him. Yet when we choose to take our own selfish path, we become less of what we were intended to be. Praise God that because of Jesus we can be forgiven, whole, complete, sanctified and rescued! God has made a radical commitment to us. When I stop to truly think about the fact that God sent Jesus to become ridiculed, despised, rejected and betrayed I am caught up in both a realization of how unworthy I am to be called His child in and of myself…and yet full of glorious joy when I remember that I am now called worthy because of Christ’s sacrifice. The reality of the cross should transform us. I don’t know why I’m just now truly ‘getting’ this concept as of late. Grace isn’t just something that paints a coat of nice shiny gloss over our ugly sin and calls it a day…it has the power to transform that ugliness into a beautiful treasure. Grace doesn’t just stop at saving us, as beautiful as that is. No, it TRANSFORMS.

Walk in these truths, friends. He has transformed us. He has made us NEW. Rest in His mercy and grace.

Ephesians 2 {emphasis mine}

And you were DEAD in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience, among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. BUT GOD, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, EVEN WHEN WE WERE DEAD in our trespasses, made us ALIVE together with Christ—by GRACE you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is NOT YOUR OWN DOING; it is the GIFT of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Therefore REMEMBER that at one time you Gentiles in the flesh, called “the uncircumcision” by what is called the circumcision, which is made in the flesh by hands— remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off HAVE BEEN BROUGHT NEAR by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have ACCESS in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are FELLOW CITIZENS with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

Joy. Sweet joy. Freedom has come. I am humbled once again.

With all of that said, how about some 2011 highlights?

-three AMAZING field experiences: one in Kindergarten, one in 1st grade and one in second grade. These were such wonderful learning times and reminded me why I want to be a teacher. I LOVE seeing students learn!

-methods 1 and methods 2. What a little family we’ve made. I love those 27 people so much.

- visits from friends to school, especially now that I live off campus! living off campus was definitely another highlight. I love my apartment.

-growing in so many relationships. I have prayed for years and years for God to put people in my life that I can do life with…and that will hold me accountable. I have THE sweetest women in my life right now and I get tears in my eyes just thinking about the friendships I have with them. I am so thankful. guy friends, you are included in my thankfulness! As a girl with no brothers, God has given me an abundance of awesome men around me that I can’t imagine doing life without. I have learned so much from them and they bring so much joy!

-house church and Apex. Where would I be without my house church? We have grown so much as a family this year and there is nothing like seeing the body of Christ in action. I’m not sure I could love a group of people more. Apex expanded this fall which led to the arrival of Apex Xenia. I get such joy out of serving and attending there…I’m anxious to get back to my KidLife kiddos after being on break!

-times spent with family. I have the best family, hands down.

-weddings of friends and engagements of friends! What a joy to be able to share in these special moments…and there have been many! I’m so excited for the dear people I was able to see get married in 2011 and look forward to the weddings to come in 2012! marriage is such a beautiful gift and I feel like I have learned so very much about it just in the past year.

-my jobs. Yes, although they were difficult most of the time, they did bring a lot of laughter and joy to my heart.

-baseball games….Especially the BRG game in which we made friends with the batboy and got ourselves some autographed merchandise. Hopefully my Cubs can get their lives in order and put out a winning season this year!

-any sort of event with friends. Methods 2 Halloween party, homecoming parade, pumpkin carving, Youngs trips, concerts, festivals, christmas lights…you name it. What a gift people are. I have learned to cherish my relationships so much this year.

I could go on all night about how wonderful 2011 was. My heart is thankful and I am full of anticipation of what 2012 will bring. To God be the glory.

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I’ve thirsted and didn’t have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
{open my hands-sara groves}

I will open my hands and my heart and nod an emphatic yes to the plans He has laid out, wherever they lead.

and I’m learning that it’s a daily surrender. Isaiah 40 is giving hope to my restless heart tonight. He is above all. trust. Isaiah says that He gives strength to the weary and carries the lambs close to His heart. so why fear? my days are like grass and He has them numbered. it is better to surrender each moment than to hold tight to things, dreams and plans that will soon fade away. I want Him and His plans, as difficult and as heartbreaking as it may be at times. this I know: Pain is no measure of his faithfulness-He’s always been faithful…

I may be sick…but there are so many others who have no access to doctors or medicine. My ‘sickness’ is nothing compared to the pain and suffering of others.

I may have not had much food at home…but I can drive down the road to the store and get some. I don’t have to grow it, I don’t have to worry if the rain or the heat will destroy it…I can simply pick it up off a shelf and buy it.

My apartment may have been a bit chilly when I returned…but I can click a button and within a matter of minutes have a warm place. I don’t have to make a fire and hope that it somehow warms my shelter.

I may have had a long drive…but I have a car that takes me where I want to go, and a nice one at that! It’s amazing how we can just get in our cars and within a matter of hours be hundreds of miles from our starting place.

I may have a busy week ahead…but I’m going to live through it. Things will get done. I don’t have to worry about where my next meal will be from, I don’t have to worry about someone breaking into my home and attacking my family, I don’t have to worry about being persecuted for my faith.

I think of a song I learned as a child- be thankful for the good things that you’ve got, just be thankful for the good things that you’ve got, for the good things that you’ve got are for many just a dream, just be thankful for the good things that you’ve got.

“Rejoice always, Pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” -1 thessalonians 5:16-18

Idols. We all have them, whether we like to admit it or not. Some may be hidden away from the public eye…something only that the deep crevices of our heart knows. Or it may be a very public idol and very apparent to those around. Whether big or small, public or private, seemingly heavy or ‘not so bad’…they are idols. ‘You shall have no other gods before me.’ How often my heart has said…”But God, I’m not making ____ my god/idol. I’m not making pleasing people my idol. I’m not allowing social media to become my idol. I’m not letting school work become my idol…how can school work be bad?” These individual things by themselves are not ‘bad’ but when they become my obsession, my focus, my continual thoughts-they become my idol.

“People resemble what they revere, whether for restoration or ruin.” G.K. Beale

So often I have looked at my idols and thought, well they’re not that bad. I’m still doing okay in God’s eyes for the most part. I can still hold them close without completely bringing myself to ruin. Oh how quickly my wandering heart can lead me astray. Why do I ignore the command to repent? Repent. Not have self-pity…not wallow in the consequences of my sin. No. Hating the sin. Identifying it. Naming it. Replacing it.

This weekend my pastor talked about four different ‘source’ idols. These source idols are what every other idol in our lives stems from: approval, comfort, control and power. I struggle with all of them from time to time, but the approval source idol is the continual thorn in my flesh. Approval idolatry seeks approval, love, relationship and affirmation. It’s biggest fear is rejection. As I was sitting there listening to him list these things off, tears filled my eyes. Every day, I seek the approval of people. Will they like me? Is my hair/outfit okay? Do people think I’m fun? Will my family and friends approve of my decisions? Will I succeed after I graduate? Do people think I’m ______? And on and on and on…every. single. day. It stays with me like a load on my shoulders. And for years of my life I have excused it away…treated it like a personality type. Idols are not personality types, my friends. They cannot be written off…’well, that’s just the way I am.’

“The time has come,” he said. “The kingdom of God has come near. Repent and believe the good news!”-mark 1:!5

Repent. Repentance. Why is it so hard? Because it requires SACRIFICE. It goes against everything this world says I should have. It requires me to take my comfort…my approval idol and lay it down at the cross. I can take it to the cross and at the cross gain the approval of the only One who matters- my Savior. I know, friends, that this source idol doesn’t just ‘go away’. In fact I’m not dense enough to believe that I won’t struggle with it the rest of my life. But, day after day instead of waking up believing the lies of the world around me and seeking the approval of mere man, I have to CHOOSE to lay it down before the cross. Choose the truth. Run towards the reality of the Gospel.

So friends. What is your source idol? Join me at the cross- a source of approval, comfort, peace and power…the very power of God!

Whatever is of most worth in your life will always shape what you worship.

-sidenote: I highly suggest listening to pastor joel lindsey’s sermon from 10/16. graceinracine.com

I think it’s about time I posted a little somethin somethin…I’ve been meaning to for weeks now. but, I think the reason I avoid blogging is a) I make excuses b) I forget and c) a combination of both a and b. I also have just been in a funk when it comes to journaling so that usually reflects in my blogging. let’s hope this improves. anywho…

-it’s OCTOBER! how and when did that happen? Not like I’m complaining because it’s about to be prime time for fall here soon but oh my word. the semester is going by so fast!

-since it’s october that means fall break in 11 days. I can’t wait to go home…lay on the couch…eat my momma’s good food…spend time with the fam…watch some football…cheer on Kibbs in volleyball…get my hair chopped and best of all- go see BEN RECTOR in chicago! oooooh i cannot wait.

-speaking of fall, I’m going to pumpkin fest tomorrow with two dear friends. it’s a festival…and it’s pumpkins. seriously? how much better can life get?!

-my apartment is feeling quite fall-y these days…candles and pumpkins and wreaths. love it.

-I went to a baseball game and got a game bat from the bat boy. yeah, that was pretty cool I guess.

-I’ve been to two parades in the past month. i think parades may be a love language…just throwing that one out there…

-I am QUITE ready to get out of the college classroom and get into the actual classroom and teach. can i get an amen, methods 2 friends? Although…I have to say, this semester has been one of the best. I have the best little family in methods 2. and we have a words with friends bracket going on currently. AND we dance to beyonce on breaks. mmm yep i know you’re jealous. it’s okay.

-speaking of teaching…I’m going to be in a 2nd grade classroom for november and december, teaching science and math. The Lord must have a sense of humor because those kids don’t know what they’re getting themselves into with me teaching science and math (my two LEAST favorite subjects) but I will just be a good actress and ‘create an exciting climate in which my students can learn.’ indeed. I was able to meet them on Wednesday and they were so precious! (i say that about all of my classes…haven’t had a bad one yet!) Within 5 minutes of knowing me I was getting hand drawn cards, hugs and questions galore. oh, how I love teaching.

-I have realized over the past month or so how much I need my coffee in the mornings. I am such a terrible person without it…

-APEX XENIA STARTS IN 2 WEEKS! enough said.

-if you’re looking for a good book to read I recommend “Radical Together” by David Platt. it has made me think so much lately…and it’s funny how when you’re learning something, the Lord brings that same topic back up over and over. He’s good at that.

-I have been learning so much over these past two months that it makes my brain hurt. but oh goodness, it’s been so good for my soul. The Lord is so gracious and gentle with my stubborn heart. it has especially been good to not only learn things but talk about them with some of the dear friends that the Lord has placed in my life. ah, I am so blessed with such deep thinking people in my life! I’m going to be honest, there are some days where I’m not thrilled with this season of life I’m currently in (single, still in college with many friends not in school, graduating in 8 months with no clue what’s next), but when it comes down to it, I am so grateful for it. I am learning things as a single-college senior-not knowing what I’m going to be doing with my life in a few months woman that I know that I couldn’t learn in any other way. and for that I am thankful and content.

-i love college football. and now I will go watch it and leave you with some photos.

reds game with some of my dearest friends

dj dimes and 50 cent all ready for our class rap about money

oh hey, fall. this photo just happens to be from good ol southeast wisco. soon and very soon my dear home.

‘All our joy must terminate in God and our thoughts of God must be delightful thoughts. Delight yourself in the Lord. (Psalm 37:4) Observe, it is our duty and privilege to rejoice in God and to rejoice in Him always, at all times, in all conditions, even when we suffer for Him or are afflicted by Him. We must not think worse of Him or His ways for the hardships we meet within His service. There is enough in God to furnish us with matter of joy in the worst circumstances on earth…Joy in God is a duty of great consequence in the Christian life and Christians need to again and again be called to it.” -Piper

“Rejoice- We have a rejoicing problem: we only rejoice on the surface. We rejoice in the wrong things. Our fallen nature believes we are smarter than God. The problem is not the rejoicing-its how we rejoice and to who. Is there a way to remember than then redeems the way we rejoice? Yes..remembering. ‘Remember that I am God.’ ‘Remember who I am and remember what I’ve done.’ ‘Dont’ forget that I have delivered you..don’t forget that I haven’t abandoned you…and I’m going to do this because I’m awesome and I’m letting you play a part in what I’m doing.’ ‘Remember my law and practice it because then you will see how I love you.’ Remembering rightly redeems rejoicing.” -Matt Chandler

Something to ask yourself: Am I rejoicing well? I can speak for myself…I would do well to examine this area of my life daily…rejoice ALWAYS.